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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

More Insights

I have had two really excellent ballet classes in a row. T commented on what a good class I did yesterday. She said I seemed much more connected, centred and in control. This is great to hear because she has spent a lot of time having to tell me how disconnected I am. This is a very positive turn-around. I did go off in a day-dream in the adage, but I was enjoying myself. The problem is that everyone else copies me, so if I go wrong, it creates systemic chaos.....!

Talking of systemic chaos, I had this revelation this morning that I actually feel that I am almost going through a second adolescence. The changeable nature of my body is such, and some of the changes so major, that I am struggling to keep up mentally, emotionally and even physically with the new places my body is aspiring (and even getting) to. This morning, as I was walking to work I actually felt my right leg properly in it's hip socket. Now this doesn't sound very extraordinary, perhaps even interesting, but I have hardly ever sensed that. It happened for the first time about 3 weeks ago in Pilates, the fact that it is starting to happen bodes well for my hips feeling more secure and less 'pea-soup.'

My body shape is changing all the time and I have a waist which I never had before. I still have too much fat on my belly, but the metamorphosis to my body is systemic. My legs have changed considerably, but especially the lower limb over the past few weeks. Inside me I really believe that there is a confident person just dying to get out, but it is still being squashed by the other things that are still turbulent. I am still swinging from being blissfully happy to on the verge of tears. I go through extremes of feeling awkward in my body to actually feeling comfortable in it, and it is really hard going through all this uncertainty. It is a little overwhelming at times, but also exciting. I don't like the peculiar sensations that my body is giving me - e.g. the strange vascular reactions - which are perhaps not unlike 'raging hormones', but I am unbelievably curious to know how I am going to turn out in the end. Perhaps it is no wonder I am so fatigued and need to eat and sleep lots. Oh, and one final thing - I have grown 2cm. Weight gain - Nil.

Can I really attribute all these changes to a connective tissue disorder? What else is going on and why?

I am seeing K tomorrow - looks like she has some interesting theories about HMS and neurons and 'heart neurons'. Going to be an exciting physio session!! Hope K has about 2 hours..... :) 

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