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Monday, January 16, 2012

Life beyond the horizon

I sometimes wonder if I was very bad in my previous life. Anything that might just explain why I am continuing to suffer so much in my present life. No matter how much I try, what exercises I do, how hard I work (at work), it so often feels as though I get punched back in the face. Today is one of those days. I wonder how much more I can take of this. When I am well (as for anybody) it feels fantastic. No one should take good health foregranted. It is a real gift, and just lately, I have had a taste of it. So it now feels so bitter to be in so much pain I want to vomit, so much pain I want to curl up and die, and in so much pain I wish for someone to plunge a needle in me to end the suffering, just as I was able to do for my dear cat only a few weeks ago. This time, there could be a simple solution. I could "just" be suffering from a kidney infection. Since my urine was tested postively for a UTI, as it always seems to every single time it is tested, (last week in urology was no exception). I could be 'measurably' ill with a medically explainable problem. However I more than suspect it is not. That although there is severe pain in my spine, loins, central abdomen and illiac fossa (right and left) no one will help me - the doctors might give me some morphine, but no one will really "do" anything, until the next time, and the next time and the next time. Maybe I have just become cynical. I have so much I could give and do. I have achieved so much but could do infinitely more, but I am tired. Exhausted. Fighting at times with a force that is bigger than I can cope with and hospital upon hospital appointment and being sent for more and more tests because there are more and more things that are wrong. I want to get off this merry-go-round of hell and just float off into the sunset. Not in this body, but a long way from it. Humans can't be "put down" - but I wish I could. That would be humane. This is not humane. I will wake up again and want to fight, but at what continued cost to me and the NHS? I can contribute to the lives of others and actively want to help and support others, but I have reached my lowest ebb because I can't see things ever really changing. Ever so once in a while they do - to tease me, and then I get this. Again. I don't want to wallow in self-pity which is why I keep trying to work around this condition write about it and offer help to others. It is devastating that I have lost K and it feels hard to keep walking forwards, one foot in front of the other, but that is all I can do. I rarely get so incensed on here - but pain  is highly emotive. Tomorrow might be a different and better day. Like many others with chronic painful conditions, I will keep plodding on. I just hope there isn't a next life.

1 comment:

LazyHaze said...

I can relate to everything you wrote. When you feel like your getting somewhere the pain and suffering comes back in force, so you start to wonder why the hell are you trying to do anything? Why do you suffer everyday for no reason apart from to do what other people do at ease and pain free. I wish I had an answer, but no one does, the only answer from docs is more meds, but how much can one person take? I hope your feeling a bit better. Keep pushing :).