Monday, January 16, 2012
Life beyond the horizon
I sometimes wonder if I was very bad in my previous life. Anything that might just explain why I am continuing to suffer so much in my present life. No matter how much I try, what exercises I do, how hard I work (at work), it so often feels as though I get punched back in the face. Today is one of those days. I wonder how much more I can take of this. When I am well (as for anybody) it feels fantastic. No one should take good health foregranted. It is a real gift, and just lately, I have had a taste of it. So it now feels so bitter to be in so much pain I want to vomit, so much pain I want to curl up and die, and in so much pain I wish for someone to plunge a needle in me to end the suffering, just as I was able to do for my dear cat only a few weeks ago. This time, there could be a simple solution. I could "just" be suffering from a kidney infection. Since my urine was tested postively for a UTI, as it always seems to every single time it is tested, (last week in urology was no exception). I could be 'measurably' ill with a medically explainable problem. However I more than suspect it is not. That although there is severe pain in my spine, loins, central abdomen and illiac fossa (right and left) no one will help me - the doctors might give me some morphine, but no one will really "do" anything, until the next time, and the next time and the next time. Maybe I have just become cynical. I have so much I could give and do. I have achieved so much but could do infinitely more, but I am tired. Exhausted. Fighting at times with a force that is bigger than I can cope with and hospital upon hospital appointment and being sent for more and more tests because there are more and more things that are wrong. I want to get off this merry-go-round of hell and just float off into the sunset. Not in this body, but a long way from it. Humans can't be "put down" - but I wish I could. That would be humane. This is not humane. I will wake up again and want to fight, but at what continued cost to me and the NHS? I can contribute to the lives of others and actively want to help and support others, but I have reached my lowest ebb because I can't see things ever really changing. Ever so once in a while they do - to tease me, and then I get this. Again. I don't want to wallow in self-pity which is why I keep trying to work around this condition write about it and offer help to others. It is devastating that I have lost K and it feels hard to keep walking forwards, one foot in front of the other, but that is all I can do. I rarely get so incensed on here - but pain is highly emotive. Tomorrow might be a different and better day. Like many others with chronic painful conditions, I will keep plodding on. I just hope there isn't a next life.