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Sunday, August 7, 2011

Bending with(out) breaking

My spine is like a sea-horse - or so I have discovered in the past week. I had flattened off my lumbar curve - we think protectively. Whilst I am now undoing this on an almost addictive way by either imaging, or moving into what is producing pain I thought I had left in 2001, I feel I am coming whole circle in everything in treatment. I am going swimming again and want to smash and wriggle my back against the walls of that pool. There is an addiction in repeatedly cracking and clicking my spine (at a guess where my disc prolapses at L4/5). I am taking an ecstatic and perverse joy in creating this sensation of appalling pain as I ask the area to awaken and move. The difference between now and 2001 is that I am no longer afraid. I have lost control of this new sense of movement and in both it's recklessness and mine I am creating havoc in my knees and calves. I have had to tape myself (24 hours) and my adductors are fighting a losing battle against my knees and ITB which are fighting to wonder off laterally. My core is being challenged to the maximum to retain my pelvis and fight against movement patterns which I had barely lost (standing and walking in lateral rotation). My deep abdominal muscles are squealing in the fight as I let my tail uncurl to form a more beautiful curve. I am fighting the fact that it looks like my bum is sticking out. It is futile asking me, "Does my Bum look big in this?" I don't know where I am in alignment, but need to understand that these curves in the spine are protective and knocking them out is denying them their functional and aesthetic right. The way I am sitting is changing from moment to moment. In lying horizontal I am like snake, constantly fidgeting to make my spine click. All the while, my calves are in a raw, blunt, pain and feel as tight as the ball of my fist. My Soleus are being pushed to the limit in a new and deep stretch, that makes them gasp. The effort to achieve all this is just like me in the water - I am fighting it with huge determination. I am facing all my gremlins all at once - there is no longer any armour and I am having to expose all my raw nerves and confront them. Only I can do this. I am now doing this alone, but using every bit of self-management I possess including Bowen Therapy, taping, painkillers, water, pacing, movement, self-belief. I am curious in this new journey of self-discovery. A really big bit of me very much wants to "get help" but I also need to see if I can work this one through myself. This is partly because K is away, and I want to show her (and me) that I can manage by myself as my independance and self-won success and skill at managing my HMS improve all the time. I want to take control even though we are exposing so much pain in a raw area. Perhaps I just see it as discovering a new country. I think curiosity and determination are helping me to replace fear, coupled with a positivity and a quiet self-confidence that I will win in the end. I am in charge - not my body! It is a new concept for me - playing it back at it's own game. Both of us (mind and body) are as bloody stubborn as the other!

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