Thursday, March 22, 2012

Keep on, keeping on

This blog is now almost four years old. The journey has been a very long one and seems far from over. I am presently very fatigued again - new movement patterns - even bowel muscles need to be re-trained so this is tiring me out. Sometimes I am just exhausted of always having to fight just to do things everyone else seems to take foregranted. I am weary of the constant medical appointments - two more tomorrow including the MRI to look at brain and the whole of my spine to work out what the muscular twitches are all about. They are getting worse again and there are more of them. This, apparently, could be a legacy of some anti-depressant medications from several years ago. No wonder then I am not over-joyed at the prospect of anymore SSRI drugs. The last quarter has been utterly appalling for me - I have been more unwell and missed more ballet and work than in the last 5+ years. Yet, I have so much to celebrate and despite all the odds have achieved an enormous amount. To all my friends and family who keep reminding me about this, thank you. I am listening, I am just not hearing.

I have found a poem that I wrote a few years ago. Presently I am here, revisited. I wrote poetry to help others who might be in a similar position to the ones I am sometimes in. Some of you might identify with this. I want to change the scene!


It is all busy out there, and I am just stuck in a well
There is light out there somewhere
All I can see are bricks, infinitely and cosy.

God! Do you think if I shouted anyone would hear?
I can’t stop crying.
The drip, drip of my tears are pooling around my feet;
There is not enough tissue to absorb their moisture.

I feel so excruciatingly sad, but I can’t tell anybody about it.
No one understands, and I can’t talk of it
I am just an act in a play that has gone on far too long
Change the scene.

Isobel Knight, Skin Collection (2009)

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