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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

My memory and ballet class today

Today's ballet class started quite well, and although the barre was more challenging again, it was generally going OK - I didn't feel too out of my depth. I got a "good attitude, Isobel" for my attitude in the centre. I haven't had a "good" for months.

Pirouettes were OK, but I lost it in the allegro. I hadn't picked up the second exercise and got told off for copying someone. I walked to go to the back and I got sent back to the front. I was told I needed to pick it up myself and that I mustn't "dare" to copy the other girl who was standing at the front. I got it wrong again. We did a third allegro, but I did that at the barre.

On the way home T asked me what happened to me and why I couldn't remember it. I said that I was puzzled as we had done the same exercise last week and I hadn't had any problems. I said that I get terrible memory black-outs and also if I had forgotten the beginning of the exercise I couldn't catch it up. I suggested to T that I went to the back, but she said that wouldn't be solving the problem and that I would just copy other people and had more chance of going wrong from their mistakes. I said to her that I guessed she wouldn't let me remain in the front if she wasn't happy by what I did and she agreed. She suggested I relaxed more and act like I "don't care about it" I might find it easier. I said that often people pushed me to the front of the class and that sometimes I didn't want the pressure or the responsibility. She said that I could alternate if I needed/wanted to. I said that I didn't always want to be the centre of attention and that I was basically quite a shy performer. I feel totally hopeless about my ability again in class and it only makes me feel more anxious now about next week. Having had a discussion today about my perfectionism streak, I don't feel any better. I wish T would help me rather than scold me for going wrong because it really doesn't help me and makes me feel a lot more anxious. I wish she would read this blog.....!

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