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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Fatigue - The Big Dipper

There should be a new fairground ride called "The Isobel" because it would be more full of dips than the big dipper. It would be the equivalent of going up and down mountains. There would be enough excitement to make you sick and no time to recover before the ride dropped you off.....to the deepest point of the ocean. Get it? That is my life.

I am beginning to realise that either I am adrenal junkie or I live in a perpetually adrenaline-fuelled state of existence and I don't even need copious amounts of caffeine or illegal substances to do it. I am wide-awake and have been since 2.30am. The problem is that I don't yet know what I normal state of relaxation is so that all I can do when I run out of adrenaline is crash, but that is just burn-out and not a state of rest or real recovery.

My physio and I had a long chat about my behaviour which is continuing to fuel these states of hyper-adrenaline - anger - and a perfectionist streak. He didn't say that, but I know that is a distructive aspect of my personality which my previous physio also recognised. My next job in physio is to start to look at this. M has actually technically banned me from exercise, but am about to defy it because my body is so wired and cannot cope with that feeling either. Today is a tough one because it is the last day of writing my book before it goes to the publishers and there a lot of strong feelings associated with this - including a big sense of loss. I am well prepared for the fact that I will be dropping off the mountain on Friday. I am aware this will happen and all I can do is to prepare for the inevitable crash. Once the book has gone it will be time to start to look more critically at what I can do to change my behaviour as I realise that my blog is full of fatigue driven episodes and not all of them are EDS related!

Anyone for "The Isobel" ride...? It will cost you.

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