Saturday, March 26, 2011

Fibromyalgia - The Beast with a thousand spikes

A thousand sharps evilly spike my body
Each a shrieking shrill pitched scream

I am a wounded porcupine grounded by agonies,
My muscles just won't stop.
I am fighting sirens of emergency,
My body is on red alert.

Just as a flatterned hedgehog, 
Casualty to an injury,
I am crushed to death;
The beast with a thousand spikes.

©  Isobel Knight, 26-3-2011

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Living with chronic pain, HMS and fibromyalgic pain is sometimes just such a difficult and lonely journey. I am experiencing the most severe fatigue I have had for a long time, and I can't do anything. I wrote that poem with the last grain of brain power I have. I can't remember what I did yesterday, or the day before that. I have a gigantic list of things to do, but all I can do is wait. Wait for my hands to stop hurting. Wait for my neck to hold my head up. Wait for the curtains to roll back on my eyes so I can see properly again.

Oh yes, I do remember what happened yesterday. I spent several occasions in the bath. I was so cold on a balmy March day that I had two duvets, an electric heat pad and a 6kg tabby cat in order to keep me warm. I slept for 20/24 hours on and off through a mist of pain-relieving and sleep-inducing drugs. I wonder if the pain will ever go away. I hope that tomorrow will be different.

Sharps spike my back and I hurt so much I am weeping. I am so tired, my body has given up. I tried to walk to the end of the road and back, and I couldn't do it. People say it is all in my head. They are sick, not me.

I try, and try and try and try and fight and fight and fight but I do sometimes wonder why? What am I here for, and I should just give up.

I am now in hibernation. I must go down deep and wait. Patience is not one of my virtues, but I have to stop fighting now because the message is clear. I have to rest. I just want it to all go away....... I want my body back.

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