Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Class and totally fed up

I am starting to feel significantly more distress than pleasure in ballet - particularly on Tuesdays where the sequences are now so long and choreographically complicated. Before the class started I was reminded not to be by the mirror, then I was asked to look in plies where I was told how my head needed to be much further back and my body weight further back, but there is no way I can adjust to that - it is such a huge shift and that sort of change will take months to embrace. This was all in 4th crossed where my weight was on the wrong foot. The new music used in the class was divine, which was just as well because I was having a really difficult time not helped at all by the fact I am still quite unwell.

In ronds de jambe I got told off again and I just didn't get grand battements at all when it was explained the first time and then she talked it through again for me, but was annoyed, and I went and got it wrong - although sorted it out the second side. I couldn't be bothered about thinking about my hip-line because I was too busy stressing about the sequence.

I thought I would lose it by the adage and was (admittedly) close to tears. To be fair on myself, I had missed last Tuesday's class and T does usually repeat classes a few times, so I was at a disadvantage today. Anyway - I had to copy it a bit, but then sorted myself out. I wasn't in it at all and felt really angry, but I used my anger to my advantage during pirouettes, and that was all fine. We also did a waltz/pirouette sequence at the end and I enjoyed that too.

I don't really know what is going on anymore. I will need to speak to M and K about the head/4th X alignment but I don't think that T realises that I just cannot take cope with long and difficult sequences and the big adjustments that I am trying so hard to make in class. It just won't work and I am at serious breaking point. M and K understand far better how much effort, concentration and coordination it takes me just to make tiny shifts, but T doesn't understand that and has very high expectations of me which makes me feel pressured - which then impacts on my anxiety levels and memory-processing = Isobel Overload = Isobel distressed = Isobel unhappy (ill or not). I suppose I have a choice, and it might be I continue Mondays, which is an easier class and allows me the mental free-space, although is a much easier class and I idle - but until I feel comfortable about Tuesdays again.

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